i wanna hang on to something, that wont break away or fall apart-like the pieces of my heart.

READ THE PREVIOUS BLOG FIRST!
THIS IS MENT TO BE PART TWO..

so again, here i am in my hotel room with more mixed feelings than i expected.
there's no short way to summarize this entire experience, so as i'll go over it in the best way i can..with lists, of course.

what i'll miss about dublin
my amazing friends
girl talks with greta
spanish parties that last until long after people have gone to work for the day
getting piercings at body shock
it's half ten at night, and there's still sunlight
taking sunrise dublin pictures after long nights at work
the calming walk from eddie rockets to home at six am
the spire
buskers on grafton street
st. stevens green
tuesday nights at trashed/saturday nights at the button factory
buttermilk soda bread from lidl
tesco vodka
not sleeping at home four out of five nights
temple bar
visiting the door men on 4 dame lane
my flatmates being confused when i actually come home
Penny's
baby guinness
irish accents
irish boys (one in particular..)
going into eddie rockets after a night out and complaining about how much i hate the music
good craic
learning spanish
not remembering the spanish i learned
going out for "just one drink"


throughout this entire experience, i've made mistakes, made the same mistake again, and again, and finally learned from them..most of them. to some people, i've given too much, and to others, i've not given enough. i've tended to friendships, and allowed them to grow, and others i've left to wilt and die, some on purpose, some on accident. i've had more money than i thought i did, and i've been more poor than i'd like to remember. i've had to rely on people and ask for help, and i've had to struggle and figure things out on my own. i've prayed and worshiped. i've been vulnerable and i've been strong. i've cried, laughed, argued, hated, loved, been loved. felt lost, alone, hopeless, stranded, abandoned, forgotten, played, worn down. i've grown and matured. i've lost a part of who i used to be. i've found out who i want to be. i've started my journey on how to get there. i've gotten free drinks, free entry, free coat check, free concert tickets. i've had sleepless nights and hungover mornings. i've been stressed. i've been at peace. i've learned that i can only give my heart to one person at a time. i've hurt others, and i've been hurt i've sang and i've danced. throughout this entire experience, i've lived. life is made to be lived, and it's the only thing i know how to do with it. life's a crazy, confusing, captivating thing, and i've learned to live it.

i honestly don't know how i feel about going back to canada. people keep asking me, and i don't know how to respond.
i feel happy to see my family and friends again. to share with them the things i've done, and to hear about what they've done. to have sleepovers and to go for coffee.
i feel anxious, because i know so much has changed. so many relationships i've had with people in vancouver has changed, and i'm not sure how i'll deal with them when i get back.
i feel worried that i'll be bored. i know that there are so many things to be excited about in vancouver, so much to see, but i feel that it's just not where i belong anymore. i'm leaving a big part of me in europe, and i'm expecting to not feel right when i get back.
i feel excited. i know i've changed, and the challenge of not loosing myself to who i used to be scared me, but excites me at the same time.


you see, there's something that happens to a person when they leave there home for a time to live somewhere else. i left vancouver knowing that i'd be back. i said goodbye to my friends and family knowing that i'd see them again, knowing when. knowing in my mind that yeah, things would change there, i'd change, but i'd only be gone for six or seven months..not a big deal. i left ireland saying goodbye to a life i built up from scratch. people tell me that i can go back anytime, and it's something i plan on doing, but it doesn't settle the feeling that's built up in my heart. it's as if i'm going through a mourning period for my life in ireland. vancouver's so different. i could explain this to someone who's never done something like this before, and there's no way they could understand exactly what i'm feeling right now. but to someone who has gone through it, will go through it, or is going through it, no explaining has to be done.


peace and love
xx